"Death" .....I just figured out is for the living....
When my husband passed away at the age of 31 (accident), I received numerous cards, prepared dinners, messages of condolence, etc., He was young and vital. At that time I was assisted through the journey of arranging a funeral by Clark Searle, a friend and Bud's co-worker. (My life-long thanks to him) I thought I had my witts about me, not even realizing the fog I was in. There were hundreds of people at his funeral and I was comforted with loving help from family and friends.....
Now, with the passing of my 98 year old mother, everything is different.
She had broken her hip on the 17th of March. Doctor "Jeff" did a great job in surgery and explaining the possible complications associated with a broken hip in the elderly. Mother came through the surgery with flying colors. She developed "kunk" badly in her lungs and I was told by another nice Doctor Jeff that mother needed a procedure done that would remove the "kunk" as her coughing reflexes were not strong enough for her to cough it up. He told me it was very risky and he would do it in the ICU as a precaution, but without it she would surely die. The decision was mine... I called two friends and told them the situation---conflicting advice, both loving and caring. Later that night I called the nurses station and ask them to convey to the doctor that I wanted him to proceed. When I arrived at the hospital the next morning I found that they had not contacted him...he came into mother's room and told me that she had cleared enough whereby he did not have to remove it, he was amazed at her strength and ability. Ultimately, she was released to return to the nursing home from hell.
Before you ask - if I felt that way about the nursing home why didn't I move her to a different one...For all those of you with family members with dementia and in a nursing home, you know the answer, but for those of you that don't here' why....when mother first arrived, she was placed in a room in the back hallway that received no sunlight and she hated dark, grey days. They had a bed available in the front where she would get sunshine so the supervisor had her moved there....OMG, it was like awakening a troll....she got very angry and accused them of trying to get her out, they didn't want her etc...her anger was off the charts. So they moved her back that very night. Patient's with dementia don't take to change very well, in fact I was told that to even take her out for lunch may have a disasterous affect on her....therefore she stayed.
Now I love "my staff members" at nursing home hell, and have always felt they genuinely cared, but the confusion they demonstrated as to her care was beyond belief. They asked me if she was supposed to be on oxygen 24/7..... HER RETURN TO NURSING HOME HELL IS ANOTHER STORY....
She passed away on the 28th of March, and for all the hugs and loving on she received at nursing home hell, only two people called the hospital to check on her, and no one visited her....oops I guess "love" had limitations....but when she returned, they were all over her telling her they missed her, glad she was back, giving out hugs......bullcrap, plastic feelings from plastic people. Wonder if there is a section on their paychecks that lists "phoney affection for the residents" that they get paid for.
Boy, I've wandered around a bit don't you think.....what I wanted to pass along was how important it is to family members to receive cards, and yes flowers too. It strenghthens your soul, it gives you energy to get through the grieving period. I haven't even had the inner peace yet to know why it helps, but it does. Mother was such a special person to me, and I'm having a very hard time coming to grips with all that's happened. I know without a doubt she is happy now and at peace, but as a living human being and daughter, I can't get over the anger I feel towards the Administrator of nursing home hell who to this day has not expressed condolences, phoney or real.. Nor from the useless, lying Risk Manager that should have bugs on her teeth with that phoney smile that hid her true nature, or the lack of viable communication that is prevalent there.
So if you're ever in doubt as to whether your condolence message will make a difference know that it will. A huge difference, especially when the person was elderly. My brother in law told me he'd been to funerals of some elderly folks and there wasn't anyone there. How sad...
I even received two messages (posted on the funeral home website for that purpose) of condolence from persons I don't even know and they made me feel good.
I know this anger is getting me nothing and I have to put it to rest, even mother would tell me that, but it's still too raw and I'm filled with so much disbelief....Ever naive that people will do the right thing, ever disappointed when they don't. When will I ever get it through my head that times have changed, people have changed.
Rest in peace Mom...
